Expressions

Many feelings coming and going all around conception. April not much sexual activity was going on. I wanted to not be so driven to have sex just for conception. I want more freedom in the experience of lust and love. I am noticing that each month my moon cycle gets less and less restricted since my openness to conceive. Meaning I do not get cramps of any kind or premenstrual issues. Just some water retention and slight mood shift. I am very excited that my body and mind are in harmony with being and embracing my woman-ness.

I had feelings around a movie I watched the other day called Pregnant in America. It had good message, but also very fearful and overwhelming. It takes courage for a woman to stand by her beliefs in her desired birthing experience and create the best of what she wants. Unfortunately, many have been charmed by the system to follow the best of what someone else feels is best. Which takes us out of our bodies and faith into another, when in truth, we are the best indicators of our own bodies. The show made me feel powerless by the couples quest for understanding and education of pregnancy in American culture.

I know that whatever people watch or connect with in the world it can offer triggering emotions that are unique to each. I questioned could I be a mother and have my whole life change? How my thoughts try to conceive ideas when I have no records to create these feeling besides my past lives and childhood. I noticed that before I decided to take on a BA program, I was terrified beyond anything. I just thought I could not do it and that I was not smart enough for it. I cried with my head on my desk at home after the first day of class. I feel that way about raising a child - it feels new and scary, but I know in my heart I am ready, but my fear thinks otherwise. The balance of my heart and my mind seems to be a continuous journey that will lead me into the unknown of all things seen and unseen.