I Am Now

The New Year is about here! 2010 into 2011 and about 4 weeks left until I get to meet baby boy in body. He is active and so loveable and I am always sending him heart hugs with giggles of delite.

My heart and wisdom are all involved in my birthing choice...to be at home. I have never thought any other option that would fit me and who I am. I believe different levels of consciousness reflect ones life choices, energies & experiences. I have been happy to get positive feedback and support about my choices and the negative comments are nonexistence because I am not owning how others live in fear. I know myself and trust me and that is what matters. I am aware of me and baby boys vibration to follow those frequencies we live within.

Baby boy's soul continues to evolve into what he needs to shape his earth experiences by coming into form with divine talents. He visits other worlds to gain maturity into a level of wisdom that I may never truly understand. I am an observer of it all and very accepting of his choices already.

I look forward into seeing into his eyes of wisdom and his heart of gold, which I am sure will melt me into submission of just adoring and loving him to death. He is like the wisest of angels, the joyful est of dolphins, & the smartest of universal leaders.

I Heart TRUST

People like to believe they are giving you good advice even if it is laced with fears of ones own personal journey into the experience of birthing or just expressing the newest experts selling advice. Birthing and pregnancy is an experience that gets filled with all types of suggestions, judgments, and fears. Some advice can be loving and filled with openness, while others leave you filling empty and doubtful.

The media of books, magazines, and movies can easily fool the mind with illusions of what pregnancy and birthing should look like, which can force a negative commonalty among women, leaving an unnatural impression into the next generations psyche. It is similar to televisions romanticizing what a sexual relationship should look like through the lens of untruthfulness and fantasy or perhaps wishful thinking. Also filling up the minds with what is right and what is wrong behavior. After all, sexual connection in action is how conception occurs, but I will leave this topic to other experts that express heart centered positivity in sexuality and inner education.

What is lacking in pregnancy information is teaching about the awareness of being grounded by the true heart. In the true heart no fear, pain, confusion or self defeat exists. It is warm, pure, loving and does not think in the language of pain or abuse. The true heart lives in the moment with the desire to lead, love, and heal. The true heart lives regardless if one is aware or unaware of it, but being aware of the heart will make life move more smoothly and with purpose. It will give one peace of mind and harmony in the soul. It will make you smile just for being alive.

Fear versus the true heart can be a balancing act. Embracing uncertainty and the unknown allows the true heart to fully take over in trust. I have been activating my personal wisdom during pregnancy and I am open to emanate the natural joy of it that glows from me. Fear and heart seem to be ignited by many experiences during this very unique time of change.

I surround myself with inspiring souls to further bring my own personal birthing journey into a deeper place of honesty and self love. A friend who has had troublesome birth experiences before did not need those lessons anymore. It's never too late to shift patterns of the past. She took her new birth experience that was filled with uncertainty and decided to deeply trust her process for herself and family. She actived her heart to lead her sweet child into this life in an unassisted birth.

It takes a level of consciousness for this experience to unfold and seems scary to many because the fear and expections of what society created has structured ones thoughts away from womens wisdom. Living in delusions can only be satisfied for so long, and then one must be a leader of the self in order for the world to rotate in its rhythmic tones of love. Energy always meets energy, and awareness of that reality is what makes self growth and soul expansion possible.

In the true heart and wisdom of pregnancy & birthing, I am full of gratitude for sharing such beauty and divine grace with all the supportive women in my life today. I hold love intentions that WE keep evolving and will continue as the old continues to dissolve into its own darkness.

In love & truth for the sacred goddess in all women!

A Change in Consciousness

Did I feel that? The shift? A unique change that has brought awareness. Another rise in humanities souls to bring deeper peace and love!

The shift just changed my thoughts, and instantly I felt like all things were possible. I am watching the old issues that have haunted me become a vague story. The old is my personal negativity that was fueled by my illusions of lack and insecurity that was created over time. Like mold or a dusty corner that instantly stopped existing without me trying hard to scrub it away. I know I am not alone in this and WE as human souls share some truth together for one another.

In this new stream of consciousness, I decided to meditate with great clarity and love for myself. I have realized that I have been hard on myself during my pregnancy and fighting my body and mind to be who I was, but in fact I will never be who I was; but instead a more evolved being that needs to learn to embrace uncertainly and deep trust.

I feel my little boy wildly moving inside my belly and discovered that when I hold my belly with my hands, that I feel an instead heartlink. It is such a great feeling. Who knew this energy heart inside me pulses with his own purity, trust and joy for his own existence? I meditated and asked my boy about this new energy that has left me with such great connection and less body issues (nausea, upper back pain, etc). He called it an awakening and used the words that people are asleep and more are waking up. Waking up to the special divine connection of each is what I was hearing. I asked about my own openness to seeing a world that many just cannot experience and he said they everyone will in time. His soul was of great beauty made from a dusty trail of stars from the universe. I could see how he is a star child and wondered what things would be like once he's in human body on earth. Will he recall this meeting the past almost eight months or will we just share an understanding and trust of it all.

A Truly Intuitive Pregnancy

I trust in my process and what it means to be pregnant, and what it means to prepare for birthing life. It is so easy to get lost in books and stories of birth from other perspectives. I feel it is important to know your own ways and beliefs in pregnancy and that could be in creation in each breath. It does not need to be written out or over analyzed. My book is my heart. The heart does not hold or control information it lets it intuitively flow through in any moment. In that information is such purity and love; A unique experience that strengthens trust within in all things.

I have been writing and submitting my stories to others for publication. I have How to Have A Spiritual Pregnancy & A Truly Intuitive Pregnancy. I took the title for my blog, but the information is written to make others think and reflect. It is not to follow my method of awareness, but instead to find you own. I want to share in consciousness and support of my sisters of motherhood.

As for how I am doing! Baby Rain is doing great! He is very active and moves wildly. He does a certain dance when he hears or senses the coyotes. Living in an abundant area of these wonderful desert creatures. I hear them in packs mostly and it is distant so far and always around 430am.

I have noticed this 3 times, very distinct movements in my belly. Rain has a connection with this native spirit animal of power, the jokster, and night ender and sun bringing howler. I will continue to explore my feelings of awareness within Rain's own soul communication.

Oneness

It has been 30 days since my last post and my feelings of baby boy have been too strong. Today I saw him in 3D and HE was confirmed as HE. As the sonogram specialist said he has a "turtle." What joy it is to witness this being growing inside of me. Seeing it on the big screen at first made my eyes tear and a feeling of surprise of "Is that me?" I have a baby growing inside of me?!! I understand that feeling that mothers have shared about the magic of this light soul that beams its truth there all of your being-ness.

My oneness of baby boy or Rain or Sky has deepened my connection and feelings of holding this unique soul. This soul that is born from me and another is 100% his own special self. That is something to remember as I nurture him into the world. He does not come as a blank slate, but with deep wisdom, courage, knowledge, and spirit. I am here to make it safe and protect and gently guide as he develops into a man.

For the Vibrationally Aware

I prepared my space last night for a calming and deeply connecting meditation to bring in self awareness to gain inner peace and calm. The room filled with gentle music, burning sage, a soft bed, and one tea light that beamed throughout the room.

I let go my mind and tuned into the experience. Energies filled my awareness and I was fully open to accept without judgment or even needing to understand what was going to happen in my moment of relaxation and truth.

I layed my hands upon my belly. I asked to communicate with my baby. He darted from the bottom of the bed and I could see it with my eyes in this world. It was fast and surprising. He is so adorable with chestnut hair and partially Asian shaped eyes with a button nose. He showed to me age 4 or 5 years old. He reminded me of his daddy.

I used a quartz crystal on my heart and later placed on my womb. I could feel this beam of energy working fast and this acceleration that was connecting to the stars. I could feel the separation of him and doing his own thing and having his own experience as I witnessed my body involved. That was amazing to share in and very telling of spiritual energy. I feel like my baby is a boy and later will talk more about my feelings around girl or boy.

Dreaming........

My life is changing more and more in each breath, and I am ready to make new moves that mean releasing the past. How easy it is to absorb chaos or stay in one place out of personal fears. When is it time to trust in the power of the divine? The time is now as I fall into the heart of love, while my old fear watches. I am moving physically and energetically into the mountains to birth and raise my family. My small family of us three. We will be close to the city, but very into the beating heart of nature. Peace and solitude will finally be with me everyday. I live in an area that no longer can carry or requires my vibrational field. The excitement consumes me and joy becomes all of me. I am ready today to move to my mountain retreat and fully commit to soul therapy in service of others.

My new spiritual news: I woke today with a deep knowing that my baby dreams. I can fully understand and feel like our dreams are separate, even if baby can experience the energy of mommy's dreams. My partner laughed and said what does the baby dream about turning from side to side watching my womb. Such a simple statement, and in truth the soul will bring many other lifetimes into this new life and some earth lives, while others non earth lives. I adore my baby growing inside my energized space of creation, and enjoy the little baby flutters I feel. My experiences of the divine and soul connection will further expand my mind and open my heart. I am open and ready for anything!

Inner Attunement

My connection to mother divine is strengthening and my trust in pregnancy continues to increase. I keep in mind that my own wisdom of birthing is mine. The sacred feminine is an innate truth that requires remembering it, and tapping into centuries beyond time of the love and grace of women-ness.

The baby has been active in my physical body until today. I tune in and do not feel the soul close by, but very far in a place of choices. This scared my partner for a moment, until I told him that are baby is with other angelic/ dimensional beings making choices. His response was becoming a boy or girl? I said possibly so. I do not feel like we need to be alarmed because what is happening is in perfect alignment with all souls. I can tune into this sacred ceremony of choices in earth life and I am in waiting for this to see what happens over the next days to come.

Will my little girl speak softly with her field of light or will my little boy electrify his energy field with his presence? Check back soon to see!

Heavenly Self

What a blissful day I experienced. It was a day of soul and body self care, and long over due. I started with an angelic energy session with a very kind and awakened goddess. She held an angelic space full of the mother god energy. Providing knowledge that excited my thoughts with the power of holding two energies - me and baby, and how my ability to connect to creation is big, especially know. I feel extreme balance and I feel like a different being and this new me is very different and I am open to embrace and love this experience I am in now.

I was able to gain clarity into the sacred feminine, motherhood, and life purpose. I was being encouraged and seen for who I am. I love to be seen for who I am and with an open heart and alignment of souls---such beauty can be witnessed. I miss connecting to souls like this.

After the session, I drove down the street to get an organic natural facial for free. I loved it! This special woman also had a gift of healing and made my face glow with natural minerals and salves. I received a gentle massage of upper body and face. This is something that needs to be done often and everyone should try it out.

I do not want to lose focus on self care, especially now. My sensitivity to chill is strong and it has challenged me in my work. Needing to create more me time to rest, reflect, and care for me. Why is that so hard for many women in pregnancy? I would love to take more time to relax and connect to nature, the ocean, yoga, massage and energy healing. My time is soon and I hold a great intention to be fully heart aligned in every moment.

The Dark Side

Nobody ever wants to express the challenges of pregnancy. It is always aren't you excited? In the middle of a weepy emotional challenge and feeling forced to be happy when in that moment I am insane. Pregnancy is a huge change to your body and psyche. It sometimes feels like I am standing on the edge of the beach when a wave tries to force me to fall. I am trying hard to hold myself up, but what I want to do it let go and let the waves take me. Maybe I need to let the waves take me and trust in nature. Its the unknown mixed in a cocktail of my thoughts that convinces me to fight.

The mystery continues to share with me the experience of pregnancy. I am feeling much better physically, which has allowed me to let go more and stop battling with my feelings. I want to be cheerful and mindful of myself, and recently do feel that way, but last week was weepy, weepy and more weepy. I was dark. I had thoughts and feelings that scared others, which would force me to retreat into my bed and feel my misery of emotions. I have never had these intense feelings before, and I feel like the baby's divine soul is helping me to connect to my addictive emotions that are my past. It is so overwhelming, but needs to be cleared.

This is a different time and my heart needs to be pure for myself and child. I am being pushed into an uncomforable spaces in my life, and not with ease. A part of me knows this is a very powerful space to be in. I have to remind myself to be present and real, even in pain. My truth will prevail and this I must hold very close to my heart. Time will tell what emerges over the next months.

First Trimester Celebration!

The first trimester is about over and my meditation last night revealed a sacred native Indian ceremony. I layed in bed bringing in the light of awareness with my hands on my belly, and feeling relaxed as the nausea subsided.

I have been in suffering with the constant pain of nausea and worry that loomed over my mind. My belly feels sick and it brought dark feelings to the surface. Eating is a chore and my lower body is expanding pushing me into buying new pants, which I thought was too soon. My feelings of joy are resisted with complaining and a need to let go. A meditation was way over due and something I find myself doing more and more since pregnancy. Not just one time a day, but many times a day. Connecting to new energies and experiences.

I closed my eyes to experience the universe speak to me and let go of my thoughts. I had a clear and long vision. I sat in the middle of a circle of a tee-pee with eight wise women, adorned with fabrics of many colors with ribbons, shells in their long hair, and seemingly old faces not easily distinguishable. The energy of each was felt in such deep love and honor. In return each honored my courage and told me to stop living in the pain of my mind. I was told that I am getting too invested in pain and that becomes my reality and that it was time to move away from that. I really understood that message and needed to hear and feel it.

The ceremony continued and each unique women stood next to my arms and legs. My whole right arm was painted green and I was told it is "giving." My left arm was painted in lavender and it is "receiving." My right leg and left leg painted in orange and yellow. The women chanted over me. I was blessed for being a women with child and felt extremely supported by the ancient family of native Indians. A soul family that lives beyond this life into other lifetimes providing a reminder of my multidimesionality.

When the meditation was over I began to question how sacred and powerful a ceremony is for a woman going through different levels of womanhood. I want a spiritual ceremony throughout my pregnancy, and not just the blessing way I plan to indulge my soul in, but something addressing each trimester.

Transformative Self

My June pregnancy has been painfully transformative. My spiritual cleanse took so much energy from my mental and physical body. I was trapped by the nausea that would cripple me into not leaving the house or bed. Eating crackers, pretzels, bread and water was my enemy creating more pain in my tummy. Emotionally, I questioned the process of pregnancy and if I was ready for it all. A dark veil covered me with intense thoughts about death and life. I later realized that I needed to let this old part of me die in order for the new me to emerge.

Many wonderful women told me to hang in there and that it would be temporary and shared personal stories of physical pains and how it gets better. I was told some negative things also like it will be like this the first trimester and all I thought was 10 more weeks! My intentions proved everyone wrong. I intended to be less nausea each week and it has worked. I have felt the past years that I move through things with energy rather then the mind. Taking great care of my psyche, body, and spirit.

Today, I feel so much better and the darkness has lifted and with all the planetary changes I could see why things have been wild. During June and July I continue to receive and give myself energy therapy. I have discovered a new me that lives in action and desires to fully be aligned by my heart. I am showing as of yesterday. My little bump has seemed to come over night with the full acceptance of her energy within me. Will my baby kumquat be a she or a he? The soul walked around ungenderous with moments of boy and other of girl. Soon the connect will be strong for sure and baby will pick who he/she wants to become.

Flower Goddess

My fertile time was scientifically marked as the first week of May, which many holidays happen to occur, such a gift. Beltane festival, which is a celebration of the spring to summer season change in between the moon cycles. The flower Goddess of fertility, as well as May Day and Cinco de Mayo. My partner and I celebrated in sharing in sexual energies of welcome and letting go.

The experience of euphoria filled my heart for about the first two weeks of May and it was with strong feelings of what it feels like to love a child that is from my own creation. I had a clear feeling of how mothers feel. I did not suspect anything and went about my days until my arrival of my period. I started to have some physical feeling of constipation, tender breast, extra sleep, very hungry, and later left sided ovary/ uterus soreness. I told myself it could be PMS. I come home from work May 20, 2010 and needed to do the pee stick because I had to be pregnant. Of course I do it wrong, holding the stick upside down and wondering why it was white. I turned it over and two hot pink lines means your pregnant. I cheered in excitement. I guess I am and maybe 3 weeks. After prenatal visit with Birthing Sanctuary midwives I am 5 weeks prego!

What's next? I started eating more because I can not stand the starving feeling in my belly and my uterus feels sore from time to time. I realize that baby bud is growing in each day. My plants in my bedroom after years of death have decided to grow rich and full of life......my fertile energy is being shared. I have moments of anxiousness and still in the high of it. I feel like I have entered a secret society of pregnant world and I got the pass to get in. My spiritual birth has began into the next levels of conscious conception to conscious pregnancy. Later I will share some meditations and energy sessions that visit the soul that walks between worlds.

What I do know is that the change is upon me with deep awareness of all things. I am a host and holder of this light that will be greeted in the age of Aquarius.

Expressions

Many feelings coming and going all around conception. April not much sexual activity was going on. I wanted to not be so driven to have sex just for conception. I want more freedom in the experience of lust and love. I am noticing that each month my moon cycle gets less and less restricted since my openness to conceive. Meaning I do not get cramps of any kind or premenstrual issues. Just some water retention and slight mood shift. I am very excited that my body and mind are in harmony with being and embracing my woman-ness.

I had feelings around a movie I watched the other day called Pregnant in America. It had good message, but also very fearful and overwhelming. It takes courage for a woman to stand by her beliefs in her desired birthing experience and create the best of what she wants. Unfortunately, many have been charmed by the system to follow the best of what someone else feels is best. Which takes us out of our bodies and faith into another, when in truth, we are the best indicators of our own bodies. The show made me feel powerless by the couples quest for understanding and education of pregnancy in American culture.

I know that whatever people watch or connect with in the world it can offer triggering emotions that are unique to each. I questioned could I be a mother and have my whole life change? How my thoughts try to conceive ideas when I have no records to create these feeling besides my past lives and childhood. I noticed that before I decided to take on a BA program, I was terrified beyond anything. I just thought I could not do it and that I was not smart enough for it. I cried with my head on my desk at home after the first day of class. I feel that way about raising a child - it feels new and scary, but I know in my heart I am ready, but my fear thinks otherwise. The balance of my heart and my mind seems to be a continuous journey that will lead me into the unknown of all things seen and unseen.

Spring Energy, Spring Thoughts

No more of that "trying" for a baby. I have finally found peace in conception where it is not a science experiment that has ingredients and outcomes. I am not evening going to share my worries or fears or even tell my partner we have to have sex now to have a baby. That seems to just create pressure and is un-intuitive, especially knowing that it comes from a place of fear. I want nature and spirit to conceive and create the next steps. With kind advice from an old friend that reminded me of this profound and simple truth that has allowed me to relax and be free.

I am enjoying the raw and sensual connection that brings two people together in a passionate lust of love and pleasure. It has helped that the energies are changing and my own awareness to experience a new world has arrived. It is bringing me into a heart aligned space where reality is meant to be. I saw its light structures laying upon the old world of greed, pain, and suffering. How both worlds are living in the same place and how where my thoughts and energy go will be apart of that creation. I am in the new world, where my work, money, life is full of limitless abundance. It is manifesting in it's own way and I am holding for the best outcome with positive thoughts. I refuse to live in the negative experiences in complete...meaning I will not just let the self defeating thoughts take hold of all of me. I will be in my divine center in the revolting chaos of negativity and let go of all the things that do not bring me peace.

My soul is taking me into a new place and in that I will wait and watch the unfolding of my new self in body, mind and spirit. It is new and unknown to me, but I am embracing it regardless because I can. What will be next? Life will show me who I am and truth continues to gift me with sensitivity. Life comes down to...me... in a world that I have been so involved in creating for life times, otherwise I would not be here in this moment.

Vision of Receiving

I wanted to share that I woke the past Monday morning feeling like I was in a different reality, which is common for me. This one was not a familiar feeling and I could see another world within me. A man in a rob and beard held out a child swaddled in a golden fabric. I reached out and took the baby. What does this mean? Is this the start of acceptance? Or does it mean nothing? The truth of remembering it and needing to write it down is meaningful enough. I will continue to see what unfolds in my conscious conception journey.

Conception Acceptance Still Active

About four months have passed since the conception acceptance started. Meaning... December was the conscious awareness to be sexually free and more bold. To not use any protection method or even worry about it. To share in meditation and sacred healing to invite our cosmic baby.

It feels like it has been 10 years since we started and so much has happened in the past four months. So many feelings of not pregnant and also feelings of having another month to prepare for the possible conception. I have mixed feelings and I do want a baby, but I also worry about making a living. I am not sure how I can pay for my life and not work. I need to feel secure to feel open and receptive to receive. I want to trust in it all, but the past year or more have shown me too much struggle and I am getting caught in the old way. Today I feel many possibilities of change. I need a huge change to shift the old thoughts and ways to see the gold pot at the end of the rainbow. If, I cannot trust in my heart then what do I have?

I am learning in each month my period seems to change and I become more relaxed and less cramps with ease in my menstruation. I feel like I am building a new relationship with my moon cycle to honor my flow, be in my experience, feel my belly, be aware of how I feel physically and emotionally. I have a choice and sometimes I forget that I do in life. I can choose to get stressed and believe I am unable get pregnant or allow my heart to make clear choices and let it all unfold. What will be next?

A spark of honesty and grounding reality

A great book that can trigger feelings about birth and conception from a Birth Psychology, Pre/Perinatal Psychology, and Spirituality perspective called Soul Trek by Elisabeth Hallett. The book cover says meeting our children on the way to birth. It explores pre-birth communication through the actions of meditation, dreams, day visions, and full of curious experiences of pregnancy before, during, and after from women and men.

It is a sweet reminder of the intuitive being that each human is and how it is the right of all people to know there divine connection. Judgment, fear, criticism and skepticism are all healthy reactions for this topic and well received. The book is written great with detailed stories of women and men sharing there pre-birth experiences. No story is alike and that is what makes the energy of the books so appealing because people are not cookie cut outs, but unique souls with a spark of honesty and grounding reality.

For me the story showed comforting reactions of faith, trust and love. I even had this feeling of heat move down my lower body as I read about a woman knowing in that moment conception happened. Or that a certain day was the day to have sex to conceive by just feeling it inside without physical evidence. I could feel that awareness for myself.

I am open to the shifting of energy when my soul baby is ready to join me in her or his platinum ray light and grounding in a new consciousness for all humanity. I had this feeling that spring equinox will be a lightening of the energy for grow and new energy to enter, but for now this energy is not in this space. I will not make it a quest to conceive out of stress or goals nor will I use the statements "I am not pregnant and have been trying." Somehow that statement loses the mystical experience behind it all. In encouragement of spirit - I am very fertile, like a youthful golden flower and the seeds of change will blossom on its own time with love and care. Peace until next time!

Trusting the Heart

My mind has quieted enough for me to feel the alignment of living my life with an open heart to conception. My past months have been a struggle with fears of wanting, control, sadness, and confusion. Why am I not prego? What are these body feelings? Could I or couldn't I be? Too many mental questions and it was exhausting. I have forged an understanding of the psyche and spirit. That my spirit is the wise one and my psyche...well can fool me often.

In those experiences I did learn many things. I learned that I am a trusting and intuitive being with pregnancy or without. I am done with that silly fertility stick. My partner thought it was a great idea and I was even accused of doing it wrong. You can't do it wrong! Pee on stick and read. How simple. That is what happens a fight over it. What I discovered was it put pressure and lack of trust on the process of allowing conception. It works for others, but it depends on the consciousness and for me...I was not happy thinking that science was controlling my outcome to conceive. That somehow a stick would be the guarantee that I would be pregnant and it is not. Just because someone is fertile does not mean they will be pregnant.

So, I will continue to be open sexual and lustfully in beautiful actions of creativity with my partner. In that, I will enjoy life and keep posting my thoughts and feelings on my journey.

Fertility Stick?

What a strange thing? It is a stick you pee on everyday after your period to tell if you have enough hormones to conceive. All the women do this and it is the rage. It works! Or at least that is what everyone is saying, so my partner said "lets try it out." He is so eager to get the baby experience going. My reaction was let’s just let be sexual and free with less control. Make it a mystery and see what happens. Am I thinking too much about it, but it feels controlling, but at the same time it’s just a stick? So, I am experimenting with these magic sticks. I know when I am fertile and it will be next week…the third week of the month. So I pee on a stick and it continues to say negative for conception and I am not surprised.

This desire to get pregnant does play hard into my mind. I am working on releasing the need to be pregnant soon. I notice an extreme...when I was young I avoided pregnancy like the plague. I did believe it was the worst thing ever and today I am so wanting it to happen with ease and great blessings. The ability to change and create new choices is such a divine present. I am receiving body energy therapy to remind me of clarity and divine connections. Thank god for healers!

Grieving the Arrived Period

I once had a natural doctor (Dr. Michele) tell me that she picked up this information about me through an intuitive outlet; She said that she felt a sense of loss when my period arrives each month because that “could have been.” That “could have been feeling,” was the possibilities of a baby. I never thought of it consciously, but inside of me I could feel her words resonate in some kind of teary eyed connection. I have always known in my heart that I wanted a child someday. I have had many fears come and go around the topic of conception and birthing.

I have been practicing conscious conception experience for 4 years and like marriage I wait until it feels right and not because everyone else is doing it. The 6 year engagement was what we needed and when the time arrived we married in style. It was a spiritual affair or otherwise known as a destination wedding that landed us in Cebu City, Philippines. Life has a plan and having faith by trusting in the larger part of the human experience is what is being held in my heart. I do admit I am more then sad about not being pregnant and feel very blue. I fee very emotional today and cried a bunch to find peace and let go by listening to my pain. I also received an angelic healing session and mediation to sooth my soul. I do feel much better.

December and January were the start of the sweet openness of unprotected sex and waiting for the new soul to arrive with hopes and dreams of it becoming a reality very soon. My emotions are preparing for something and every month since I have had very abnormal body issues of feeling extremely uncomfortable and very emotional. Before I would be ill every month before my period and had to see a natural doctor, which after a month cleared up and I would continue to see this doctor 1 week before each period. I discovered that I get to have the emotions before it arrives into my physical body. I wish I could say one was easier then the other, but both challenge my psyche. Will that ever change? I am not sure. My hormonal system is run by my energy field and a huge part of what makes me female. I continuously expand by releasing fears of what was and re-pattern into my reality an empowered female with love and self accept for who I am.

Painting Energy

How easy it is to get lost in the mental illusions of fear. I am meeting the end of the month with many body sensitivities of very tender breasts, hot flashes, and even nausea. I have attempted to convince myself that I am having psychosomatic symptoms or PMS because like last month it is too early to take a test. I have let my fears seduce me, instead of being in that circulating flowing motion of life, where balance lives without regret or judgment. I feel this inner power of control and needing to get validating evidence to calm my mind. One moment I am just being alive and the next moment I am working through some personal fear that is triggered by many things on my path. My resistance just fools me into deeper struggle. So, I decided to be creative in my emotional unpredictability and paint; I call it painting energy. My inspiration is a bright orange and fiery red lotus with many petals filling the canvas. It is the painting of conscious conception that is rooted in warm colors like the sun. My mind is free as I paint from the unknown and creative place from within. Peace until next time...

Blissful New Year, Lineage of Women & the Berry Tree

I am still experiencing this new energy of 2010. I have gained a freedom in my heart that rises throughout my body into a happy place and further into a joyful place. I cannot explain why or how, but what I am aware of is a desire to be in my heart. And to experience nature, and be out in the world with this new fun feeling inside.

As for baby making... I continue to hold the intention of inviting a new soul as does my partner. My life continues as I expand into the next phases of self awareness, while my sexual connections deepen with more communication about my needs. I get to change the patterns of past women throughout my family tree, where the roots go deep like many. I get to be the courage for self love & equality, to grow in feminine power, and to expressively act upon sexual impulses without being shamed, but instead empowered. I get to be the sexual spirit that I was told I could not be. I again welcome this new energy from within and nurturer it with love.

In a deep breath ~ I turn to see the sunset against a large red berry tree beside my window and dream of the beauty I feel inside. I appreciate all of humanity in its divinity.

The Pleasures of Surrender

The New Year arrived with passion, peace, inner solitude, deep spiritual connections, and a newly found experience of living from the heart...full time. I feel lifted and free within, and that carries into all areas of my life. My thoughts feel pure and my intentions remain the same for the welcoming of a new soul into the new world.

What will the babies of 2010 enlighten the world with?